Dear All Who Enter Here,

What did I learn from losing Budd? I lost a wonderful son who I love unconditionally. My little boy...the way he could wrap you around that little finger.   I lost a glorious smile and a hug no one could ever imitate. When someone tells me it'll be "OK" I just block it out. They don't know what to say and I know they are not trying to hurt me but protect my feelings. The loss of course will never be "ok" what is ok is the time that it takes for the healing to begin.    Grieving is different for all of us and no one way is right or wrong. For most of you- maybe some day the pain will just fade away.
There are no words that can describe the incomprehensible loss of him. I recently read another mother's description and she said it best-"you move through your days experiencing a myriad of emotions from shock, denial, anger, and deep despair, which often brings you to your knees. Time heals and the grief does soften".

I wondered how will we ever survive this? Budd was the kind of person whose very presence just took you over. Everybody knew his name. Once he entered your life you were no longer in charge. He became a big part of you that you will keep with you forever. Whatever feelings you had for him..I know he at least made you smile from time to time. Of course, I will never "get over or resolve"        the loss of my child. It is true how with every breath and heartbeat - "it still hurts". To this day I see him lying there with those pretty eyes open and it is like it was only yesterday we lost him.   I say WE because we all lost Budd. We lost a son, Brannon a daddy,Trisha & Brandy a brother while some lost a lover, confident, cousin, nephew, and a friend to many. He always tried to help you in times of your trouble and could somedays add to it !! (sigh) I can smile now when I say that -at 4 am it wasn't funny in the past. Ain't it funny how time slips away??? 

There will never be a love like his again in our lives so we will embrace his legacy with a vengence and bravely face every day without his physical presence. He is but a thought away always. Not even death can take him away..I know he is still here watching us as we go about our crazy lives and he is now making his presence known from time to time. Two nights ago after I wrote this tribute to him- I heard a loud thud sound upstairs. I went up to investigate and there on the hallway floor laid a picture of him and his sister that had suddenly "fallen loudly" off the wall. I just laughed outloud and said to him " I love you too".  I believe Budd, you were making your presence known once again and loving it cause now we all can talk to you whenever we want to and each other by way of your website. He will come to you too soon if you believe in him. ( No,I'm not freaking out- I try not to do that..this is a true happening I needed to share with all of you). Finally he is coming home after almost 4 long years.

I feel that now the time is coming to embrace life once again as we all go through this healing journey together. Although many of you will not know what is like to lose a child and may you never know that- you have lost someone you loved alot.   I will never be the same again and I will look at life differently. Budd was my blessing and though it is difficult to accept... it is how I choose to celebrate my son's gift of love to me than to stay angry inside. 

 I wish I had been dealt another hand but I wasn't. All we can do is comfort each other and remember Budd came into our lives for the purpose of teaching us this new survival skill. The thing I have learned from losing Budd is that he is not lost to me. He lives on in my heart. He's just my Angelboy in another realm of existence. Just come on home BabyBoy- your momma misses you so.

Momma